


i crossed all the lines and i broke all the rules

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, Religious Conflict, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 12:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4059217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler is sick in the way that most people can’t see. Josh can, though, because he’s Josh and he can see it in how Tyler moves and speaks. He tells Josh not to worry, that he’s just having a particularly bad string of days, but Josh is Josh and he worries twice as hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i crossed all the lines and i broke all the rules

The first time it happened it was an accident.

An accident, yeah. That’s what Tyler liked to tell himself. Josh was driving him home from youth group, same as every Friday night, except this time when he pulled up in front of Tyler’s house he sensed that something was wrong. Tyler was sitting there, not saying anything, toying with the hole in his jeans right over his knee.

That night, the pastor talked to all the kids about homosexuality. He said it was a sin. Everyone nodded in agreement, but Josh felt Tyler stiffen next to him. After devotionals they went outside in the church parking lot with the other kids for a game of basketball. Josh wasn’t much of an athlete, but Tyler loved it, so Josh loved it too.

Josh had a momentary lapse of judgment and leaned over and kissed Tyler on the corner of his mouth. Tyler looked back at Josh, wide-eyed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow to work on that history project, yeah?”

“Yeah. Good night, Tyler.” It sounded like an apology.

As Tyler turned his back to face Josh he tried not to think too hard about what that meant.

 ---

 The second time, it wasn’t an accident.

“Hey Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think God hates us?”

“No, why?”

“Because… because. I don’t know. I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

Tyler furrows his brow, as if deep in thought, and then leans over the pile of notes between them and kisses Josh square on the lips in a manner that couldn’t possibly be mistaken for accidental. It hardly lasts more than ten seconds, but Josh’s heart is pounding in his chest harder than he can ever remember.

“I’m scared,” Tyler whispers.

“Me too.” Josh squeezes Tyler’s shoulder halfheartedly and looks down at all the papers between them.

“It’ll be okay, though, right?” Josh looks at Tyler, eyes searching for an answer he knows Tyler can't give him.

“Yeah, it’ll be fine.”

Sometimes lies are the only things that keep us from falling over the edge.

 ---

The third time it happens, it lasts for more than ten seconds.

Tyler wasn’t in school all week. After the second day, Josh texts him.

 _hey, are you alright? been missing you in history. listening to Wentz for an hour without you to pass notes with sucks_  
From: Josh  
Feb 12th 3:45 pm

 _i’m fine i just have a fever. miss you too_  
From: Tyler  
Feb 12th 4:00 pm

After the fourth day, Josh drives to Tyler’s house after school. He stands on the doorstep shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Tyler’s brother Zack answers.

“Yeah, he’s in his room. Hasn’t been out much, I dunno what’s up. Go on up, though. Maybe he’ll talk to you.”

Josh knocks at Tyler’s door so softly he wonders if he’ll even hear it. He waits half a minute and lifts his hand to knock again when the door opens.

Josh has never seen Tyler like this. He doesn’t look anything like the boy he saw a week ago. The dark circles underneath his eyes tell Josh he hasn’t been sleeping well.

“Hey, Ty. Sorry for coming over unannounced I was just…” Josh trailed off and Tyler stared back, eyes vacant. “I was really worried. And I really miss you.”

Tyler nods and steps out of the way, motioning for Josh to come in.

“What’s up, Ty? Are you okay?”

“I’m alive,” he deadpans.

“Yeah, and thank God for that.” Josh replies, uncertain of what else to say. Tyler ends up saving him the trouble.

“I’m messed up, Josh. I don’t know how to fix it,” he blurts out, voice cracking. “Everything hurts all the time in here,” he motions at his heart, “and here,” he motions at his head. “Nothing makes any sense. I can hardly remember anything. I can hardly get out of bed. I can’t sleep and then I sleep too much.”

Josh scoots closer to him on the bed and puts an arm around him, Tyler leaning gratefully into the touch and whispering, “And I can’t stop loving you. It’s wrong, isn’t it? I don’t know how to stop.” He buries his face into Josh’s shirt and cries.

Josh knows that you can’t fix people. To try would be foolish, so he does the only thing he can think of in the moment and uses his thumb and forefinger to gently lift Tyler’s chin to face him.

He looks at Tyler’s red-rimmed eyes and wonders if he knows how beautiful he looks all the time. He exhales and asks Tyler if it’s okay to kiss him. Tyler replies by crashing their mouths together. It’s kind of a mess, but it’s kind of perfect. Tyler absentmindedly thinks that those two words describe them both pretty well.

“I’ll be here for you no matter what, you know.” Josh says, meaning every word. He pulls Tyler against him and falls back onto the bed.

“I mean, I guess I kind of knew, but it’s. It’s good to hear it.” Tyler nuzzles his face into the crook of Josh’s neck and falls asleep feeling both safe and loved, waking up two hours later on Josh’s shirt, now covered in a sizable patch of drool. He ruffles Tyler’s hair and tells him to go back to sleep.

 ---

Exactly eight months after the first time (not that Tyler was counting) Josh asks Tyler to be his boyfriend. They know they can’t tell anyone, but Josh tells Tyler he likes the word. The exclusivity. Knowing that Tyler wants the same thing makes Josh feel good. They can only hold hands and kiss behind closed doors, but Tyler’s smile when he tells Josh, “yes, of course,” makes everything worth it. He laughs and Josh decides it’s his favorite sound, and kisses Tyler softly: four, five, six. When Tyler leans in for a seventh and opens his mouth against Josh’s lips he stops counting.

 ---

Tyler and Josh are at the park. They’re lying in the grass, not saying anything, just enjoying each others company. One of their friends from church sees them and waves hello, greeting them. He slurs their names together. _Joshandtyler_. They’re kind of a package deal, after all. Tyler stares at the ladybug that lands on the end of his nose and thinks their names sound good together.

Josh plucks a few blades of grass out of the ground and sprinkles them on Tyler’s face, laughing, and thinks the same. Life never seemed so simple.

**\---**

Tyler is still sick in the way that most people can’t see. Josh can, though, because he’s Josh and he can see it in how Tyler moves and speaks. He tells Josh not to worry, that he’s just having a particularly bad string of days, but Josh is Josh and he worries twice as hard.

Tyler is lying in bed, running his fingers through Josh’s hair. Josh picks up the notebook on his night table and looks at Tyler, asking permission with his eyes. Tyler nods. Josh peers down at the page and reads Tyler’s hastily-written scrawl, as if he was thinking the words faster than he could write them.

 _remember the moment_  
_you know exactly where you're goin'_  
_cause the next moment before you know it_  
_time is slowin' and it's frozen still_  
_and the windowsill looks really nice, right?_  
_you think twice about your life  
_ _it probably happens at night, right?_

 _fight it, take the pain, ignite it_  
_tie a noose around your mind_  
_loose enough to breathe fine and tie it to a tree_  
_tell it you belong to me, this ain't a noose  
_ _this is a leash and i have news for you: you must obey me_

Josh smiles at the last line and Tyler looks up from where he’s lying on Josh’s chest and tells him he’s going to beat this, that he’s not giving up. Josh strokes his hair and kisses the top of his head and tells him he’s the strongest person he knows, and Tyler thinks things are going to be alright.

 ---

Two months before the end of high school Josh and Tyler play their first show to a room of fifty people. Tyler spits his words out and feels his pent-up emotions leaving his body with each verse. He worries that people will think his lyrics aren’t good, so he hides them behind melodies and sings them twice as fast. He looks over at Josh for reassurance, and he’s beaming at Tyler like he’s the only person in the room. They finish their set to moderate applause and Tyler looks at Josh, both of them realizing how much each of them needed this.

**\---**

They graduate high school in June. That summer they play more shows and the crowds get bigger. Tyler starts college, but he still sees Josh all the time. After five months they start seeing familiar faces at their shows and people start singing Tyler’s lyrics back at him. They’re playing one of their newer songs, and some of the people yell in unison with Tyler when he sings about how sometimes to stay alive, you’ve gotta kill your mind. Josh looks over at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he grins. He’s never felt so happy in all his life.

 ---

Tyler leaves college because he knows it’s not for him. He laughs and tells people it’s because he couldn’t stand his ID picture and they wouldn’t let him take a new one. He knows that music is what he needs to be doing because it makes him feel alive and helps him to stay alive. The band and Josh have been his saving graces, and he makes sure to let Josh and the fans know how loved they are every single day. People come up after shows to tell Tyler his lyrics saved their life and for the first time he feels truly important.

**\---**

Josh makes love to Tyler for the first time the night before they go on their first headlining tour. He kisses every inch of him with care, telling him how how lucky he is, and how he never wants this with anyone else. Afterwards, he presses a kiss to Tyler’s collarbone and whispers the word beautiful, and for the first time Tyler feels it.

 ---

He’s backstage with Josh and they’re about to play their first festival. Tyler is nervous. Josh kisses him and asks him if he remembers that day in the park all those years ago. Tyler smiles into the kiss, then pulls back and rests his forehead against Josh’s and tells him he could never forget a moment with him. Josh asks him if he’s always been this cheesy, or if it’s just because they’ve been together so long. He gives Tyler one last peck and tells him that he’ll never let him fall.

 ---

That night, Tyler asks the crowd if they’ll keep holding him up. His question is met with a deafening roar. The sea of faces sing back at him that their brains are sick, but that it’s okay. He looks back at Josh, who gives him a small nod and a smile. Tyler takes a running start and dives into the crowd, who catch him, who will always catch him, and knows he’s not alone.

And it’s okay.

 


End file.
